I’ve been pregnant for more than 39 weeks, but the reality of it just hit me, and it hit me hard.
Tyson took Qwynn to school early yesterday morning so I could have some extra time alone at home since I worked a later shift. I took my time getting ready and even had the chance to work a little on another painting project. On my way out the door, I was sure to grab my headphones since I am rarely alone to listen to music on my commute to work. I of course turned on the Lumineers (Tyson, mine and Qwynn’s obsession lately). My phone was pretty low on batteries, so instead of browsing Facebook and Instagram like I normally would, I just sat there listening to the music and thinking about how at any moment our lives were going to change forever…
I pictured holding our little baby boy and instantly had to hold back tears. For the first time I could actually picture him being here and what it would be like to have another little baby. But I still had so many fears and questions. Could I really do this again? How would this delivery be? Am I strong enough? Can I survive the infant stage again? It’s been so long. What is he going to be like? Is he going to be as easy as Qwynn? Will I have the patience if he isn’t?
And then my thoughts were instantly consumed by Qwynn. How is she going to adjust to having a baby brother? She is so excited and talks about him all the time. “He’s so cute” and “He loves me,” she will say to my belly. But does she really grasp just how things are going to change? The attention he’s going to get and the sharing of Mommy and Daddy. Did I spend enough time with her these last few months? Could I have done more?
And then I started thinking about my pregnancy with Qwynn. How I was so excited to become a mom. How it was something I had always wanted and she made that dream come true. I reminisced about listening to Amy Grant’s “All I Want for Christmas” weeks before she was born and always thinking about her when I heard it. I thought about how much joy she has brought us for so long. I can’t believe that was close to 4 years ago. What amazing years they have been!
I am sad to be ending this part of our story. It’s been just the three of us for so long. But in my heart I know that Qwynn will be fine. I know that we will be fine. And I know that being a family of four will only make our story better.
We can’t wait to meet you Alwyn Murphy!